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February 23, 2009
February 12, 2009
December 11, 2008
dito na lang. hanggang dito na lang muna
Gusto ko sanang bumalik ng LB pero wala naman kasing akong misyon dun. Ayaw ko ring magpakita kahit kanino man bukod sa ilang kaibigan. Minsan talaga kailangan ko ng hibernation period para sa sarili. Pakiramdam ko talaga wala pa akong karapatang maging masaya. Hindi naman to emote to death na phrase, isang masigabong soul searching lang ang kelangan ko kung anu ba talaga ang gusto ko. Ang gulo ko pa kasi andun kasi yung takot ko, yung mga apprehensions ko. Natatakot nga akong ung mga inaasahan kong movement next year ay baka hindi mangyari. Ang dami kong gustong gawin – hindi ko na alam kung saan magsisimula. Ang dami kong gusto mangyari – hindi ko alam kung anu ang hindi importante.
Ngayon ibubuhos ko na lang muna ang lahat lahat ko sa pagmamaster sa diliman at sa pagbabalik ko sa pagsusulat. Yun naman talaga ang puno’t dulo ng lahat eh. Gusto kong maging maayos na manunulat. Hindi wannabe, hindi self-proclaimed, hindi delusional.
Craft ito na kelangan pag-aral at ayusin. Nextweek susubukan ko ulit magkwento.
Kelangan kong mapag-isa. Para na rin sa kapakanan ko. Hindi daw madali magsulat sabi ni Rilke dahil kelangan mong lumakad mag-isa. Mahirap talaga akong intindihin. Hindi ko kayo masisisi.
Dati nasasaktan pa ako. Ngayon natanggap ko na. Nagsink in na. Kelangan ko ng gumalaw.
October 27, 2008
budding
There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. –Anais Nin
of course there is an attempt to clarify but hindered messages don’t get much. there is elusiveness in every thing more than lack of direction which beguiles. a slight bump there, a streak of light here—tickles but never moves. it’s an apparition of sorts without the exalting and ephemeral breath. sometimes there is comfort in not being understood like a document or analyzed like an equation. to be perceived and felt is the cure for the absentee. it’s not emptiness now or a hollow feeling but tender degeneration.
in retrospect, i never really owned anything. what hurts is not the fleeting feeling or the impermanence but the illusion it brought and nurtured. this is not defeat but a surrender.
to who, to whom, to what?
there is nothing in particular yet it feels like every thing is asking for it.
languid is the beating of seconds, heightened by the lethargic afternoons where the smell of coffee merges with skin and the haze of the dust create a pattern of nostalgia. amidst the seeming serenity of lazy afternoon there is a throbbing pain that nags and sometimes kicks in really hard – it rips the make-believe peace and that perverse vision of hope.
i do not wish to be understood now, i just needed the space to move forward and in the direction i want. is it too much too ask? for the sake of progression, i must pay. name the price.
every day metaphors burned the roof of my well-founded clichés.
i ask you this: until when?
October 5, 2008
discontinium
a melee of apprehensions and a sardonic laughter inside the head. the mind is the battlefield again. forgive my naiveté and ignorance like always. i never thought that the old self could be that far away. it dawned that such tranquility is permissible amidst the piercing sounds and moving neon lights sliding over my skin. such clarity of emotions eludes me most of the time. there is wakefulness, an awareness of the self. i began to feel afraid that if i touch someone he could feel my longing at the end of my finger tips.
September 16, 2008
cant quite
apparently, everybody is having a life. busy with their own struggles and personal hang-ups, doubts still linger over coffee conversations but it is palpable that they are moving on. it is difficult to be the one left behind. but i can’t quite keep up, i can get quite get my self together.
what are the chances really that i could keep up if inside me i am still hesitant to jump in that unknown terrain.
it is high time to move on to the next chapter. stagnation only makes me complacent. procrastination will get me no where. i say: brave the new water.
maybe you are right mister
“if you must, then fail”.
alright then i won’t close my eyes in this fall. with full knowledge of the gravity of the situation. i will embrace and kiss the air hello.
September 7, 2008
stupid, careless
I have a perfect grasp of my situation – of this transition I am undergoing. I know that this is all part of the process; I know that it will not last forever; I know that this too shall pass; I know that there are a lot of people who have more difficult issues than mine but tonight the only reality that my mind would take is this: I am hurting and how it aches. I feel so selfish grumbling about my own little pains when there are immense sorrows surrounding me.
I do not know anymore where to cling to - I feel really weak. There is no anchor in which I could hold on to, there are no structures to follow and rebel against, suddenly, I lost my footing and the solid ground I used to feel under my feet is no longer there.
I just try to survive day by day, trying my best to figure out what will happen to me next day, next month, next year. For someone who is so used having structures this is one of the most painful processes – the realization that you do not have any idea what will come next. It makes me feel vulnerable and sometimes—helpless. But I try my darnest best to get some control, I will not be defeated this early; it’s just that the disappointments came in series. I think this is just normal: doubting one’s abilities and capabilities when disappointments are the only thing constant. I need to reassess myself. I need some space to reflect on what I truly want.
Maybe Aylia is right, I have such high expectations for myself. But excellence is achieved by breaking limitations, by setting your self against the best. I know I can do it, I just need to get my composure and self-confidence. But that is where the crux of problem lies. I am losing my faith in my self.
This is what makes me so unhappy: I am so damn disappointed with myself, so damn disappointed.
I am so damn afraid to fail.
I do not subscribe to the clichés that failure gives you a lot of wisdom. No. I believe when you could have prevented it—prevent it by all means. Wisdom and Failure are not mutually inclusive. There is something called foresight. And that is the thing I lacked six months ago.
That is the thing that I will try to have. I badly need to see something beyond this pain I am feeling. It’s so ugly.
September 1, 2008
.
failure, after failure, after failure
it breaks my heart. i’ve been waiting for this since april
only to come to this conclusion.
i wanna cry man, really bad.
August 26, 2008
oh my, your a bad bad boy
this is hard to admit but i am attracted to this asshole. real asshole, man. hardcore. the thing is, he knows it and is in fact proud of that ‘reality’
but he is the most endearing and intelligent asshole there is! i just know that there could be a sarah-j.. tandem in this lifetime. not in my lightyear dreams. my god, i have a thing for J’s.
for the sake of differentation this j.. is different from jed and julian.
ok, i think it is kinda safe here. his name is james. and fuck the whole world no woman is going to be enough for his wandering penis. this guy, although charming, is a serial womanizer. he doesnt have to flirt, he just have to breath to keep the women coming to him.
my god, james, you drive me nuts, there are a lot of decent guys out there.
why you?
because me you are politically incorrect
you have no sense of decorum
and you are a top class asshole.
you will not mince your words.
i so heart you.
August 12, 2008
weh
god kung pwede lang sumigaw o umiyak ng hindi ka mandidiri sa sarili mo pagkatapos, kasi hindi uso ang emo sa totoong buhay nakakaexhaust.
bakit hirap ba kasi akong umiyak? hindi talaga kasi ako iyakin as in.
kapag naiirita ako at galit na galit–naiiyak ako
kapag ninenerbyos ng sobra – naiiyak ako
pero hindi mo ako kayang paiyakin sa lungkot or sama ng loob(hindi galit ma type)
long overdue na ang drama ko, lagpas na sa expiration date.
sana lang mailabas ko na, isang iyakan na lang.
tapos ang moda.
pero ang hirap sabihing at amining nahuhurt ka
hindi kasi bagay sa akin
pero tangina. masakit.
alam kong di lang ako ang taong dumanas nito pero ang sakit lang.
tangina lang.
